Dumping Depression: Part 3 - Dumping Unhelpful Habits
"The chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken."
- Warren Buffett
The Killer B's: Brooding, Blaming, Bottling, and Bad Boundaries
Africanized honey bees are tiny insects that are were created to be more effective at producing honey than the standard honey bee. They are relatively small insects, and because of this, you wouldn't see them as a major threat. Their street name, however, is more telling. These bees are commonly known as "killer bees". These bees are relentless in their pursuit of anything that they perceive to be a threat. These bees swarm together by the thousand and will chase their victims for miles. If their victim is unable to escape, they will collectively continue to sting their victim up to 2000 times or until death.
The killer bees are a surprisingly relevant analogy for certain habits that we often hold on to in our lives. But, much like the killer bees, these habits can seem like they're not that dangerous; but when a person engages in these behaviors, especially while depressed, it can feel like stinging yourself with deadly venom over and over again, with each sting becoming increasingly lethal. Brooding, blaming, bottling, and bad boundaries are relentlessly dangerous habits that can worsen depression if they are not dumped ASAP. In this blog we discuss these lethal habits and how to stop engaging in them.
We have so far discussed some thinking patterns and co-conspirators that go along along with depression. So far, the things we have discussed are largely out of our control - things that have a biological root that are difficult to change without the help of a trained professional. This section addresses the issues that we have a bit more control of; our habits. We can't do much about the thought patterns we have learned in our childhood, but we can begin to change the way we engage with them. These are things that we can often catch ourselves doing and make an active choice to change when we notice ourselves doing them.
BROODING
Have you ever replayed something in your mind over and over again? Sometimes we fixate on negative thoughts or feelings and descend into deeper and deeper states of depression, possibly even to the point of feeling suicidal. We brood over things instinctively, playing it over and over endlessly, like the increasingly annoying song on repeat on the radio. The more we think on this thing over, and over, and over, the worse we feel.
This rumination is pretty common, but it isn’t helpful. It perpetuates a cycle of negative thoughts, activating negative emotions within us. These compound until we suffer from worsening depressive episodes that at times can become chronic.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT:
It's totally understandable that when a situation occurs or is on your mind, we have a propensity to think long and hard on it. Have you ever found this to be helpful, or to actually fix anything? Ryan Nicodemus of The Minimalists stated on their podcast that we fool ourselves into thinking that if we think on the problem long and hard enough, we will solve it. But, this hardly happens! This is even more apparent when we have shame attached to it. Our problem solving center in our brains actually shuts down when we feel shame.
Related- TED Talk - Brené Brown: Listening to shame
What we often seek in these situations is actually control. Write out your feelings: make pros and cons lists, journal your feelings, make notes on what questions to ask or topics to research. Taking it out of your brain and onto paper (or a screen) allows your brain to stop worrying about remembering every detail or angle, and activate the tortoise brain; the part that slowly and subconsciously looks for new ideas and solutions. This is where our best ideas often come from and where our solutions will most likely come from as well. This is why “sleeping on it” is a common tactic and good idea; it uses this part of the brain.
BLAMING
Another thing that can worsen depression is blaming. Much of our negative thought patterns involve misplaced blame. We blame ourselves for things that have nothing to do with us, or we might blame others for things that we ourselves are truly responsible for.
Blaming is often a tool to regain control in a situation or to feel absolved. We blame ourselves sometimes because if everything is our fault, then the solution will always lie with us. If someone else to to blame, we can’t control them. Thus we can’t control when or how quickly a problem gets resolved.
We will often blame others in order to protect our egos, or our self-image of ourselves that we take to be our actual selves. Sometimes we go to pretty far lengths to make ourselves look good or superior in a situation. The ego, these mental photos of how we think we are that we carry around, are pretty deeply important to us, so our brains will change reality as much as needed to protect those images.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT:
Take back control: own your situation. Even if you have no power in the situation, focus on what is in fact within your control, what outcomes you would like and what to do about them. This is often referred to as locus of control. You can draw a circle and list the things outside of your control outside the circle, and those within your control inside the circle. This is a great way to battle many negative thought patterns.
BOTTLING
A third thing that can worsen depression is bottling our feelings. This can be a tough one because many of us may not even be aware that we are bottling up our feelings. A good way to begin to tell is by learning our cues. How do our bodies react when we are fed up? It is highly likely that a bout of depression is itself a sign of bottled up emotions overflowing. And keep in mind that depression can manifest itself with irritability rather than sadness or numbness.
Many of us are taught that it is good to not show our feelings. Some of us have bottled our feelings out of necessity in a dangerous or abusive environment. It’s hard because we may no longer be in that environment but are still stuck in the same defensive tactics. A good question to ask yourself may be, “Is this still working for me? Or does this still fit with my current life and relationships?” If not, it may be time for some trauma therapy.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT:
A lot of us struggle to express our emotions because we don’t even know what thoughts create them. We need to get in touch with our thoughts. Things that can help include a situation processing journal, meditation, or other types of mindfulness.
Depression thrives on the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of not being able to do anything about the situation you are in. By battling the behaviors we discuss here you will begin to find a way to hope. By working of undoing these negative habit you begin to see more clearly how you can move forward. Depression is tough, but so are you.
BAD BOUNDARIES
This one remains a chicken-or-egg question; "did unhealthy relationships trigger my depression, or did they simply come from it?" Toxic relationships of any kind can really weigh us down, sap our energy, and give us a really negative view of ourselves, which can match with many depression symptoms.
Poor boundaries can mean being walked all over like a doormat in the case of excessively loose boundaries, or keeping people distance and at bay in the case of excessively rigid boundaries. Either way, the quality of our life suffers when the quality of our relationships suffers.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT:
Learning and practicing assertiveness skills can really help improve your relationships. It is important to have a willingness to lose certain relationships that are not positively contributing to your life. Learning new ways to say no and saying sorry only when you mean it are small steps to a richer, more fulfilling life.
This is admittedly hard because depression makes us feel low-energy, unmotivated, and we feel undeserving of better relationships. It is perfectly OK to save this step until you can some progress from therapy and/or medication.
Killing the "Killer B's"
The habits of brooding, blaming, bottling, and bad boundaries regularly unite to bring despair into our lives and introduce or worsen depression. Overcoming them is a journey, and it's not a linear one. These aren't patterns to be sworn off "cold turkey", but a commitment to regular self-reflection is a very powerful tool against them. You'll recognize one of them once here or there, and slowly, over time, you can notice them more and more. Eventually, you will move to stopping them, challenging them, or redirecting your thoughts and behaviors. Take it easy on yourself, trust the process, but try not to doubt that you will beat them.
Get Help Today
As stated in the previous blog, it can be difficult to get help because you are not motivated and the route to getting help is hard to figure out even when you want to. Here are some ways to get help:
Psychology Today - Psychology Today has the largest list of therapists in the United States and many other countries. Feel free to filter by your insurance, specific areas of treatment, and even what gender of clinician you would like to work with.
Talkspace - Talkspace is the leading site which offers counseling services over the internet. This may be helpful if you are uninsured, or have a high copay for mental health. A counselor can work with you via messages, and also through video chat.
Betterhelp - Betterhelp is another large online counseling site that offers you unlimited access to a counselor for a weekly fee. Sessions take place via messaging and also via video chat.
GoodTherapy - Good Therapy is a large therapy directory with therapists available worldwide.
If you know any others that may be helpful, or services in other countries, please contact us and let us know!
mind on the line for your job and career, you are telling your employer about how little you value yourself, at least physically and mentally. In most cases, supervisors read this and go along with it. No one's going to go along and say "man, you're really running yourself into the ground. You need to value yourself, here's a raise, or less hours." You need to advocate for yourself. It's the old adage, no one on their death bed says they wish they had worked more.
BOUNDARIES: GUARDING YOUR SPACE FROM NEGATIVITY
Your car has a number of filters to keep it running well. The air filter keeps dirt out of the engine. The cabin air filter keeps dust from entering the car through the vents. The fuel filter keeps impurities in your gas out of the engine. In the same way, we need to have filters against the world around us.
Our brains become what we put into them. If we have negative people around us, our minds will take on those voices and the external voices will become internal ones. If we watch or listen to stressful things constantly, or at crucial junctures, like the beginning or end of the day (news, anyone?), this takes hold in our minds and can cause the release of stress hormones, which wears us down physically and mentally, and can cause insomnia.
To put it simply, if we want to feel better inside, we need to surround ourselves with better on the outside.
HEALTHY COMMUNITY
There is immense power in fighting depression among a community. There is much power in knowing that you are not alone in struggling against any given problem. This is why associations like ADAA and NAMI have online and local depression support groups. They exist to provide emotional support to people struggling to cope with the difficulties in life. Support groups have helped people for decades to become more equipped to face life head on. A hallmark of mood disorders is that it deceives you into thinking you can handle it yourself. You do not have to. Find a group that will support you through your recovery.
A healthy group of positive people in your inner circle can do wonders for you. A healthy community such as a great family, strong group of friends, warm church group, positive study group, fitness classmates, co-volunteers, etc. Can be really uplifting. When you feel alone, try to get involved. Try some yoga or meditation classes, a Meetup group, or if you don't feel quite ready for that, find a positive social media group to engage in. Start small, and as you begin to feel better take another step towards become engaged in life again. Remember that depression makes you want to isolate yourself, but this worsens the problem. Ask a friend to help you or hold you accountable. Take just one step; it'll pay off in the long run. And if you don't like it, try again a few times. Something will eventually work.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
This is also a mantra shared widely in the recovery community. Focusing on today and staying in the present moment can be extremely helpful. Cutting out worries from the past or from the future can really cut down on stressful and worrisome thoughts. Remaining in the present moment through activities such as mindfulness, meditation, breathing, or body scans can make it much easier to manage urges to use, as well as self-harm urges. Try out calm.com for guided meditations that are tailored for various circumstances you may be facing.
Stay busy doing positive activities, such as work, fun activities like sports, crafts, clubs, or classes. Any time that you spend engrossed in something that fills you up is time that you are not thinking about those painful and depressing thoughts.
Bonus: Use our Guidebook to reduce your triggers
At the root of the issues outlined in this blog are the ways we think about things and see ourselves.
While meditating and taking steps to meet your needs will help, perhaps you might feel that you need more help in order to make changes that stick. At Forward Ethos, we have seen this time and time again over thousands of therapy sessions with clients across the United States.
We have taken the techniques, tools, and skills that have transformed our clients’ lives since 2018 and distilled them into a powerful journal that will change your life in as little as 20 days. It also targets illnesses that stem from our thinking, such as anxiety and depression.
Whether or not you suffer from anxiety or depression, our guidebook can help you rewrite your thought patterns in as little as 20 days. Head over to Amazon to purchase your copy now and get on the path to moving forward, ASAP.