You Can’t Control Your Emotions Unless You Do This.

By being yourself you put something wonderful into the world that was not there before.

- Edwin Elliott

Have you ever felt guilty for making someone feel a way? For example, you made a witty (albeit insensitive) comment, but the person felt that your thoughts/opinions were a personal affront to them? If so, then you've just got mail… emotional blackmail. It's taken me a long time to stop taking responsibility for others' emotions and in turn, not blaming my emotions on them.

EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY

Emotional responsibility probably sounds like drinking responsibly, or driving responsibly. However, emotional responsibility relates to what things you take responsibility for, and what you do not. If you do or say something that is hurtful to someone else, how do you own your mistake or poor decision? If you blame others for things that happen, you may not be taking responsibility. The problem is that if you do this, you might always be in bad relationships that take energy away, preventing you from being your best self and having a happy life.

For some of us, the opposite extreme may be true. You might too much take responsibility for everything you do and say. Taking too much responsibility can lead to you finding ways to take blame for the arguments and conflicts you face. Taking too much blame is its own form of being emotionally out of shape. It's highly unlikely that you intentionally sought this habit out. Maybe your parent was overprotective and made you feel like you had to make them feel better, even though you were the child and they were the adult. Maybe you're compassionate, and you constantly date or become friends with people who are emotional, taking all the blame.No matter what the origin is, it isn't fair to you. Emotional responsibility means being able to differentiate between what you are responsible for and what you are not. So, to sum up:

• I AM responsible for my own words, actions, thoughts, or feelings

• I AM NOT responsible for others' reactions, words, actions, thoughts, or feelings

There are two core principles that undergird a healthy estimation of your emotional responsibility. Dr Shefali Tsabary explains in The Conscious Parent that two principles should guide your raising an emotionally healthy child: Authenticity and containment.

AUTHENTICITY

Authenticity means being true to yourself!

Some questions to ask yourself are: "Am I in touch with my feelings?" "Do I recognize when I am not pleased with something that is done or said?" "Do I ignore, hide, or downplay my feelings to make others feel better or more comfortable?" If you said yes to some of these, you are struggling with being inauthentic.

Being inauthentic towards yourself relates back to being emotionally responsible for others where you do not need to be. Inauthenticity is an attractive option out of care for others. However, this often backfires, leaving both you and the other party feeling hurt or deceived.

The situation unfolds where your true feelings and/or dissatisfactions finally made themselves known to the other person. They likely responded with shock and almost felt victimized by what appears to them as your sudden dissatisfaction. They probably told you that they wish you had said something sooner, or maybe that for that reason the issue is at least partially your fault. They're right!

By not being aware of and/or true to your authentic self, you are doing yourself a disservice, and are not helping others either. In family therapy, I am constantly telling parents that the healthier they are, then the healthier their children will be. Martyring yourself, being inauthentic to your values, feelings, or thoughts for the comfort or sake of others does not make you a hero! It hurts you and it hurts them as well.

CONTAINMENT

The next dimension of emotional responsibility, or the other side of the coin, if you will, is containment.

Concerning raising children, this refers to teaching them how to respect the rights and boundaries of others. It's the classic adage of democracy: you should have complete freedom up to the point where it impinges on the freedoms of another.

Containment is a great thing to assess, not only for yourself, but for others in your life. Do you constantly find that you are inviting yourself into others' situations? Do people accuse you of prying, or "butting in" their affairs? If so, you may struggle in the containment department.

Maybe people treat you this way. Either way, the struggle of having containment, or the lack thereof, is very real. If you struggle with this, you might be the kind of person who deeply hates being wrong, or doing something less than perfect, especially when others are watching. Research often shows that those who are the most critical are also the ones who most fear criticism themselves.

A lack of containment of stems from a lack of adequate or proper love and attention from caregivers at a young age. The young self then, works hard to match the astronomically high expectations set for them. Or, the child works hard to get the attention and approval of an emotionally absent parent. Either way, unsurprisingly, a lack of containment, for understandable reasons, usually indicates a lack of self-love.

THOU SHALT LOVE THYSELF

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." This process of learning to live an emotionally and spiritually healthy life is from this old saying. He says it in Matthew 22:39, and Mark 12:30. But did you know that this isn't the first time the Bible says this? All the way back in Leviticus 19:18, God says to love your neighbor as yourself.

Think of someone you know as a hateful person. We all know some people who unfortunately are bitter, negative and ultimately toxic to be around. It is almost always certain that you will find that this person hates themselves, for deeply entrenched reasons. The problem is, if you do not love yourself, you will never consider yourself to be valuable enough to give your true feelings worth and respect. If you do not love yourself, you will not be your authentic self and have peace and emotional (and physical) health! If you do not love yourself, your relationships will likely be toxic and you may suffer use and abuse, or be abusive yourself.

If you do not love yourself, you may value others as much as you value yourself. You will be harsh, and hard on others, and you will find nothing wrong with this because you do the same to yourself, so it is only fair. In the end, you still do not value yourself, and your relationships will be toxic, and you will not receive the love that you so deserve and need.

THE JOURNEY OF 1,000 MILES

Loving yourself isn't easy, and it doesn't happen quickly. It takes time to undo the damage done over a lifetime. But, the journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step (Lao Tzu). Why don't you grab a mirror, or turn your phone to the selfie camera. Look at it. Look at yourself. Keep looking....

And tell yourself "I love you."

Do it again tomorrow.

It's awkward, I know. I'm doing it too! But, one day, it won't be. And then you'll start to realize,

You're not bad.